Culture is Everywhere
In November, I ran the Philadelphia Half-Marathon. After two straight years of running the full marathon, the half was a really nice change of pace.
Additionally, I ran, for the first time, with other people: two great friends who both also happen to have nine-year-old sons with autism. One of the guys I met because of that connection, the other is a lifelong friend and our kids’ ages and disabilities are simply coincidence.
We arrived in Philly on Friday afternoon for a Saturday race. It was rainy and cold and our train from NY was delayed, so after picking up our race bibs at the convention center, we stopped into an Italian restaurant nearby to fuel up, abandoning our original plan to go shopping and cook a bunch of pasta and sauce.
The place was packed, and there was a wait for a table, but we found three seats at the bar and sidled up.
The bartender, who shared that he’d been working there for twenty-three years, was friendly and hospitable.
But as we were looking at our menus and sipping on our club sodas, the bartender was ranting about the place.
“We don’t have that on the menu anymore,” he said, looking down, rinsing a glass. “Don’t ask me why we don’t have that on the menu anymore. But we don’t. I guess my opinion doesn’t matter.”
He said a bunch of things like this, that I’m not sure my friends noticed. But there was a sense that the place used to be better than it is now and that someone else made it so. That someone didn’t ask his opinion, and he wanted to make sure everyone knew it (about that menu item he was referencing, he brought it up out of nowhere. No one even said anything to him about it).
He was a good bartender (I tended bar for thirteen years, so I’m a bit of a snob about this), and the meal was delicious. Still, I couldn’t shake that this dude seemed so unhappy, and it felt to me, that he didn’t have an outlet other than quasi-gossiping to customers about it.
This is a culture issue.
Whether his truth is the truth or it’s somewhere in the middle, at the very least, he feels like he’s not being listened to, like his feedback doesn’t matter, like people are making change and he doesn’t understand why, and that, worst of all, his response should be to share their dirty laundry with customers.
The more I thought about this, I realized that culture is everywhere. Not just at work, but in our families, in our friend groups, and even with ourselves.
If you have kids, do they say “Please” and “Thank you?” If you’re on this list, they probably do, but do you notice how many kids don’t these days? Maybe their parents don’t care, and if they don’t, I’d disagree with their approach, but I’d respect that they have an approach. If they said something like, “I know kids traditionally say, ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you,’ but I’ve thought about this, and honestly, I don’t want them to ever feel like they need permission. I want my kids to be aggressive and to take whatever it is they want” I’d disagree with this rationale, but I’d respect that they had some, and I’d acknowledge that this is the culture they’re defining and building.
But in many cases, people simply haven’t defined their culture, so it happens by accident.
My daughter came to me the other day and said, “Dad, I’m thirsty.”
I immediately redirected her.
“You know that’s not how we ask for things in this house. You are a much better advocate for yourself than that.”
“Dad, can I have some water, please?”
“Great manners, Penny. And great way to proactively ask for what you need.”
This is our culture. And we get to define it.
Do your friends root for you? Do you all support each other?
When my new book came out, all my buddies bought it despite some of them, likely, not being interested at all. Some bought five or ten copies. When my friend, an artist, designed a new shirt and put it up on his website, we all bought it. We congratulated him.
That’s the culture of our group. If someone didn’t act like this, we would either say something or remove them.
What’s your personal culture around things like your health, personal development, and honoring your commitments?
Do you stick to your diets and stay committed to your fitness goals? If yes, that’s your culture. If not, that’s your culture.
Do you do anything for yourself around personal development? When you give your word, is it unbreakable? Again, your answers here reveal your culture as it pertains to these things.
In every area of life and work, there’s culture. It’s an all consuming force that envelops every other aspect. Systems don’t matter if your culture is trash. Ideas don’t matter if everyone on the team hates each other. Having goals doesn’t matter if your personal culture is one where you don’t do what you say you’ll do.
If you celebrate the holidays, look around at the culture in each of the places you go this week. Are people kind to each other? Do they listen instead of talking the entire time? Do people roll their eyes, complain, and act like life is one big pain-in-the-butt, even while celebrating?
That’s the culture.
While you do get to define this for yourself, for your immediate family and friends, and for the workplace, likely, you didn’t define the culture of your entire extended family. And you probably can’t now. But you can define and then embody yours. Even in the face of negative or toxic external cultures.
So, yes, I’m giving you homework during the holidays. But hey, would you expect anything else?
Enjoy!
Michael
PS - use this five-step process for building the culture you want, in any area of work or life.
Define the Culture
Relentlessly Message the Culture
Embody the Culture
Praise those Embodying the Culture (including yourself)
Redirect those Not Embodying the Culture (including yourself)
