What Are the Expectations?
My wife and I have a deal. When one of us is out with friends, the other agrees not to text them with questions, requests, or needs about the house, the kiddos, or anything that’s not an emergency.
We came up with this after seeing some friends of ours out at parties or events, without their significant others, spending half the time texting or talking on the phone to the other one. Then, coming back inside, rejoining the party in some way, complaining incessantly about their partner at home.
Of course, we will make exceptions for things that are actually urgent (though, hopefully, those don’t occur), but for most things, even if they would help the person at home, like where one of the kid’s favorite toys might be, we skip it.
That time out with friends is sacred. We never mess with it.
(as a side note, when this happened to my friends, I always wondered if the person at home was jealous or annoyed that their partner was out without them, so the constant communications were an intentional - or unintentional - attempt to sabotage their night. Which, let’s be honest, would be pretty crappy. Just a thought)
We can only pull something like this off, because we set crystal clear expectations about it. When someone misses (which I did recently), my wife holds me accountable for it.
We’ve done this for so much in our lives. Especially with the kids. Each one has a set of responsibilities around the house. Even Teddy is tasked with letting the dog in and out when she barks. Something he loves doing.
Some people will argue that this level of forethought, expectation setting, and then work to uphold those expectations is exhausting, annoying, and antithetical to continuing to cultivate fun, loving, spontaneous relationships.
I’d argue that it’s the total opposite.
Think about this: when my wife comes home from a night out, the kids are asleep, the dishes are done, the dog has been let out, the garbage put out, and the house is mostly shut down, with just enough light for her to sneak in. She’s been able to enjoy time with friends and not think about being a mom or a wife for a few hours. Despite how much she loves being those things.
It’s the same for me. I get home and feel recharged, not in trouble. I feel supported, not antagonized. I feel grateful, not resentful.
Think about the places at work or in life where you feel in trouble, antagonized, or resentful. If it’s a situation you have control over (so not that storms delayed your last three flights, but that your kids don’t clean up after themselves or that people don’t respond to emails in a timely manner), set expectations around these things. And, if expectations have been set, but people aren’t executing, reset those expectations and monitor them closely to ensure they’re happening.
Freedom comes on the other side of these expectations, not from the absence of them.
